Dear Friend,
“If you didn’t hide, you wouldn’t feel so crazy inside.”
I can’t tell you how true I find that statement, which begins this week’s section of Ziggy, Stardust & Me. It speaks to two truths, actually, the first being obvious: Hiding is a burden that causes immense stress. The second truth is implied: Some people feel forced to hide who they really are. There are a lot of reasons why people do this, some good and some bad, but the underlying reason is usually fear.
Any person born different, in this case those who are LGBTQ+, know intimately the costs and burdens of hiding. The extent to which hiding is necessary will depend greatly on when and where they were born, and to whom, but hiding is something most will do for much of their lives, even if they are “out.” In most cases, it’s for safety, but often it’s to navigate things like homophobia or hetero-expectations in the workplace, at school, in community groups or religious settings, and etc. So, while it’s true that “if you didn’t hide, you wouldn’t feel so crazy inside,” it’s also true that sometimes it’s almost impossible not to hide.
What is Jonathan in particular hiding from? His feelings, yes, though he seems, finally, to have come to the conclusion that what he is is not “fixable.” In other words, it’s a natural part of him that he’s been taught is sick or wrong, but which he can’t change. This personifies much of the medical and academic discussions of homosexuality in the 1970s, when opinions were shifting away from homosexuality as an illness. (A brief primer on the history: general perceptions of homosexuality historically in the west have gone from something basically normal/accepted but not spoken about, to something criminal, to something not criminal but instead a mental illness, to something natural and non-criminal, just different from the “norm.” This is a very basic, compressed overview of something much more complicated covering many hundreds of years and different cultures, so it is not this simple, but that’s the gist.)
So, he’s not really hiding from himself anymore. And as these chapters in this third portion of the book unfold, we see he’s even more willing to ignore the effects of his psychological treatments to pursue his interest in Web. Yet, he’s still hiding all of this and his true self from his father. Interestingly, one question I have at this point is whether his father is more upset Jonathan is gay, or that he is possibly mentally unwell. It seems to me that his real fear might be that Jonathan could end up in a mental institution or unable to take care of himself, and he relates his homosexuality to this as a symptom, rather than the problem itself. If that’s true, then he and Jonathan are misunderstanding one another, and its lack of communication that’s a problem (which is also true of Jonathan’s relationship with his therapist, who seems much less convinced that homosexuality is a “curable problem,” but Jonathan is unwilling or unable to pick up on what she’s suggesting.)
All of this is unfolding among an extended scene where Jonathan and his father are trying to connect, albeit under strange circumstances. The therapist seems to think that if the two of them spend time together, doing “normal” things (does she suggest “masculine” activities, or is this just how Jonathan’s father interpreted her general suggestion? It’s hard to say). Unfortunately, his dad’s solution is to take Jonathan to the lake, which is full of problems. In the first place, that’s where Jonathan’s troubles with his sexuality and the bullying resulting from it started. Additionally, this is where his dad’s girlfriend and family live, which means it’s not really a bonding opportunity for the two of them. And finally, it’s where Web lives, which adds romantic complications and the need to be confronted with his feelings of guilt for how he treated Web when they were last together.
In short, it was a bad choice on dear old dad’s part. But it has come with even further problems. The “hillbillies” or “rednecks” (self-described by the residents) are absolutely awful. If I’m being honest, upon reading this time, I’m finding them a bit caricatured, which is problematic (although, if I’m remembering correctly, one or two of these characters prove to defy expectations.) There are no redeeming qualities among any of them at this point in the story, though. They are racist, homophobic, and violent; and one of them, Hal, seems particularly dangerous. They are also contrasted directly with Web’s people, all of whom are kind, forgiving, welcoming, and tolerant. Obviously, this is done on purpose, since part of the purpose is for Jonathan (and the reader) to see just how unfairly native American people had been treated by society.
There’s a lot to navigate for poor Jonathan, and an imminent sense of danger for him and for Web. I’m excited to see how the fourth and final portion of the reading wraps everything up in the coming week. I continue to appreciate the important history being integrated into the story, and the realistic romance building between Jonathan and Web.
Meditation
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” —Paulo Coelho
May you feel connected to all that allowed you to come to be,
~Adam
Contemplative Reading Project 
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